TRR! That’s what it felt like when my achilles ripped.
But TRR is also a new series on this blog documenting my recovery moving forward, not in the banal I-had-surgery-a-week-later way, but in the emotional, psychological, physical way all of us deal with trauma. I wrote a whole boring intro, but let’s focus on the funny-not-funny part instead: me, dealing “SO WELL!” with this injury!
Me, last night:
Everyone thinks I’m doing great and coping great and I’m NOT this fucking sucks. It sucks to be relegated to baths and wash my hair knowing it’s going to be greasy to be reliant only on my face when I’m sad it’s acne covered to be beholden to a job that I love that believes in work life balance but when I can’t have a life I wish they didn’t but that’s not true but it feels true bc I don’t want to work hard I don’t want to do anything and yet all I want to do is run and jump OR not even that just walk down steps normally and not have to drop my scooter down and hop down to it on an Achilles that really isn’t healthy although it’s still in one piece so there’s that although technically my right is in one stitched back together in one piece now I forgot to ask Dr Andreo for pics of my surgery if he had any. I’m killing time and maybe I’m not who would ever know but I just want a partner I’m tired of this and I think about how would I ever meet someone good enough why hasn’t clark called me I need him to check on me and force me to do PT and all that shit why is he abandoning me? Everyone leaves. JB died.
I am happy I am doing fine I am optimistic about my recovery and happy with my friends and sad sad sad and not a word for it it’s not restless it’s waffling it’s content but not it’s achy all over muscles and heart is what it is. My achy breaky heart and body ache.
This is my caterpillar stage. I’m going on grownup non drunk date(s) hopefully and finding out what else I like and reading and writing and building up my core to emerge from my cocoon in a type of catharsis as a butterfly… a butterfly who not only is crazy active and loves sports but is getting back to her smart girl Rice roots the nerd part of the girl with two shoes of multitudes.
And this is what I remind myself:
Risks today are days added to recovery at the end of this.
This is my caterpillar cocoon incubation period for something great.
Boring intro:
Beyond the fact I consider myself unfortunately well-versed in handling unexpected, earth-shattering change, many people have commented throughout this process on how amazingly positive I’m handling this complete disruption to my lifestyle. It doesn’t feel that way; I didn’t make a conscious decision to handle this injury in one way or another; it feels like a default. So without preaching, I’m just gonna talk about what I’m DOING. Y’all know how “active and athletic,” and independent I am, y’all know I’m wondering who I am without all that, y’all know I spend a lot of energy being grateful for my life and its joys. This is the whole picture.