I HAVE TO CONFESS.
I re-read my 35 Before 35 List. It’s nice. It sounds exactly like me at 30. Or 32. Variations on the same theme: build a startup/side hustle/passion; meet some fitness/wellness goal; do more of a certain type of traveling; learn to cook or eat something; make some shit.
At the beginning of every year I’ve started setting a tone, and I’ve usually forgotten it by my birthday or as a good journalist I’d tie the two together in my To-Do Lists. 2018 was the year of action and holy shit it was active. I transitioned to fully remote work, then moved back home to Austin, sold my beach house, bought the house next door to my brother, did some renovations, furnished the entire house from scratch, took a 2-week European vacation mostly solo, reconnected with old friends, and made new ones. And even in the midst of all that, I’ve found time to really turn inward, feeling a grounded inner peace I haven’t always felt. I’m really, really happy.
But with that to-do list and to some extent that to-do life, I’ve been playing small. What do I want, do I really, really want?
I want a partner. I want a best buddy that’s more than a best buddy, a person who knows me deeply and loves me unconditionally and plays with me and holds me accountable and challenges me and helps me. I am independent. It’s not a fault, though it sometimes feels like one, but I do also want to be reliant. I want to be scared shitless and rely on someone and know that they could crush my entire heart and soul into pieces but TRUST that they won’t. I want to trust someone as deeply as I trust myself.
How do I do that?
I want purpose (who doesn’t?). My job is at times everything I want it to be: challenging, has me feeling out of my depth, rewarding, fun and funny. It’s undeniably flexible and I have a great team. But it doesn’t feel like PURPOSE. It doesn’t have to—but something does.
SO THEN WHAT? WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
I don’t know. But this is the real 2 before 35 list.