I woke up this morning in the mountains, and happy.
I wrote this post on Thursday intending to publish it on Friday, but alas! A Friday afternoon wander around Aspen followed by homemade crab leg dinner foiled those plans.
Let us confess: on Tuesday of this week, I had an absolute breakdown. I felt rejected by a guy, rejected by my own damn friends, like I was failing at work, like I was a damn imposter, and just like it wasn’t fucking fair. I work SO hard to be real and present and conscious and conscientious and I STILL have to feel this way? Where is my reward for TRYING so hard?
Well, you know, that whole grace thing? Maybe that’s as much about accepting these feelings and moments and situations and really real realities as such, and not judging myself for not somehow preventing them with my psychological prowess. It’s not just about accepting myself, but accepting my situations.
I almost didn’t come to Colorado. Was I seeking refuge from my life, or simply going to a place I love? Was I running away from rejection, or simply following through on plans that had nothing to do with others? Was I being a jerk traveling during Covid, or taking care of myself and my mental health in one of the best ways I know how?
We know nothing is this or that. We know I love the mountains but that’s not to say I don’t seek refuge there. And here’s where I want to show grace for myself. For my situations.
Because this week? There’s also so much to be grateful for… I am grateful for my incredible boss who is smart, incisive, and protective; I am grateful for the times I was wrong about people this week; I am grateful for this week’s Bills-bar game-watching, Star Bar friends, a muber-turned-propane-taxi; that stupid fucking peloton bike that I cried actual tears on but still managed to have a great ride that truly flushed out some bullshit; I am grateful that I get to share new-job and new-house and new-other-things texts and excitement with my friends and that they want me involved in their joys; I am grateful for my lil bro’s best friend of 31 years, that I had two cords of firewood available for them (YOU OWE ME), for snowy walks to Milk & Cookies; I am grateful for Beers? and reggae Saturday; for wine and fires and firepits and football games and belly laughs and dinos and guestroom giggles.
I am grateful for it ALL.