2020 was hard for me in ways completely unrelated to the global pandemic we all faced. In fact, if anything the pandemic helped me—gave me space and time to process the traumas in my life that came with the first two months of 2020.
The first trauma was a dramatic shift in my career; an ego-rocking opinion of what I am and am not good at that, in hindsight, bears little resemblance to reality but at the time crushed my entire soul.
It took eight months to recover I’m still recovering, because no matter how strong-willed you are, when someone in a position of authority with the power to take away your livelihood belittles you and your work product, you can’t help but question yourself. And so I did: what did I really want to do with my career? What am I good at? Am I really executive material? How important is it to be disruptive in your field (as a woman in tech)?
Ultimately, these questions are positive things, and the isolation of the early pandemic gave me plenty of time to sit in the empty space and feel the answers out.
Regular readers know how much I LOVE my new job, my new team, my new company. It is unfathomably good, and I have to think that the ways I had to lay bare my insecurities and build myself back up only made me stronger and better for this role.
The second trauma was a devastating breakup—devastating for the hopes and dreams rolled up into it, less so for the loss of what was a fairly unhealthy relationship with too much booze and not enough emotional depth.
The pandemic, too, gave me time away from dating to reassess what it is I want and need in relationships, to gain confidence back in my choices and in who I am in a partnership. It gave me time to explore my creative expression; time to focus on my own interests and needs.
From this foundation, it feels easier to let myself get excited about a new possibility, to hope for love, to fall—even if it might be scary, and even if I might get hurt. Because rooted as I am, I will recover, and the joy of even a few weeks is worth any pain that might come.
The other thing 2020 has taught me? You don’t ever “solve” any of your shit. You just get better at identifying it, understanding it, and working through it. This won’t be the last time I have to ground myself in who I am, for work or love. But ideally I’m getting better at it every time.