Most readers of this blog know that thirteen years ago, my best friend was murdered. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for the one-two punch of the grief surrounding death coupled with the trauma surrounding murder. As a person who experienced this exceptionally painful event, I have some very strong opinions on how you can best support friends, family, or coworkers through the unexpected death of someone in their life (COVID-19 or something else).
Unfortunately, I too have needed to support friends through traumatic deaths in their close circles, so let me commiserate: talking about death and trauma is as uncomfortable as it gets. But there are two things you must do: be there, and be there for much longer than you or she thinks you need to be.
First
Be there. Ask questions. Ask hard questions. Ask uncomfortable questions. Talk. Be silent. Show up announced. Show up unannounced. Ask questions about the trauma. Be forthright. Be observant. Be funny—yes, funny! Be annoying (you aren’t). Just show up.
Why: most people, yourself included, don’t have the slightest clue what to “do.” And too often, that turns into inaction. Inaction is about the worst thing you could do to support a grieving friend. ANY action is better than none. Reach out even if when it makes YOU uncomfortable.
An example: I often tell the story of a guy whose name I don’t even remember, who I had met on the running trail a week before JB’s murder. One of the ways I worked through my grief and anger was manic physical activity. I once called him at midnight and asked him to run sprints with me. He did. I’m sure that was really fucking uncomfortable for him. But I am forever, ever, grateful. Thankfully, he also had the grace to know pursuing a relationship with me would be impossible.
Second
Your friend will appear okay long before he or she is actually okay. Of course everyone processes things differently, at different speeds, on different levels, but this event is literally going to be a part of the fabric of your friend’s life for the rest of it, so please keep asking about it. Let her talk about it whenever it comes up, even if it’s random. Check in long after you think you need to check in. Check in even when they say they’re totally fine (they’re not, even if they aren’t admitting it to themselves).
Why: Unlike a breakup, which you do (sometimes) “get over”, you never actually get over a traumatic death. You learn to live with it, you learn to appreciate what you had, you learn to see the good side. But it’s always there. Especially if justice isn’t served (JB’s killer was acquitted).
An example: I was asking my aunt for book recommendations for this post, and she said in part that she wished she could have been there for me more back then, and that she still is here now if I need to talk. Without thinking I replied, “The what could have been sneaks up on me sometimes, not in situations like this but when I think about being single at 35, like this could have all been prevented if we’d grown up and into our love!! But then my whole life would look different and I might never have made it to aspen or California and so I’m grateful in some ways.” And just like that, I STARTED CRYING. The pain may turn bittersweet, or be a source of reflection, but that doesn’t take away the pure sadness of it. Be like my aunt; validate the pain your friend feels whenever they feel it.
That’s it. Death sucks. Sudden, unexpected, traumatic death sucks. But! The only good news is that you can help your friend process the suck. And that’s enough.