Faux Norway in a Nutshell

Being a faux celeb, I’m certainly not going to do what the tourists are prescribed to do!… except, that, I want to see all the good stuff in a mere three days and there’s a reason the tourists do what they do. There’s a Norway tour called Norway in a Nutshell that takes you from Oslo to Bergen, which is East to West, across the mountains, from North Sea to Norwegian Sea (which is really the Arctic Ocean!), and shows you insane views. As I needed to get from there to there basically, I copied most of the route. You don’t save any money booking everything in advance, but if you’re that type of person, you could. The Entour app has all the public transit info and connects you to book tickets too.

It took me a few days to fall in love with Norway. I don’t speak Norwegian, the people weren’t as beautiful as promised (apparently that’s over in Sweden), and I set a brutal physical pace for myself the first couple of days. But in the end, I’m glad I did and I did fall in love with the country. It’s wild and gorgeous and independent and I hope to go back soon (I’m writing this from Havelte, The Netherlands).

Anyway, to faux celeb it up for three days in Norway with the Faux Norway in a Nutshell, here’s what I did:

Horten, Norway

I stayed two nights with a friend in Horten, which was a lovely intro to Norwegian life by an American who had just moved there herself. We rented bikes for 20 NOK ($2.50 at Hotel Thon) and biked the coastal path for about 40km one day. It was a blast, and I’d definitely recommend this if you ever find yourself in Horten … though you probably won’t. We also did the thing I always wanted to do as a kid and rarely do as an adult: stop at whatever tickles your fancy. We spotted a land bridge out to an island, pulled our bikes over and our pants up, and walked on out that sucker. It was awesome.

At a beautiful sun-soaked restaurant on the harbor we ate what was to be the only restaurant meal I ate in Norway. This wasn’t exactly intentional, but I did come well stocked with protein bars because of all that I’d read about Norway being expensive. This afternoon meal (linner we’ll say) was about $100, for 2 glasses of wine each and 2 appetizers shared–one of which had me immediately running to the bathroom. Typical.

Drammen – Myrdal

Normally, you’d take Oslo-Myrdal, but given where I was, this is where I picked up this train. Drammen has a beautiful river running through it, but again I can’t imagine why you’d be there except to commute. The 5-hour train ride is beautiful, I had read you should sit on the left side and I enjoyed it, but the views everywhere were pretty spectacular. Here’s where you gain all the altitude, and see all the picturesque high alpine lakes with typical Nordic cabins next to them.

Myrdal – Flam

Most people take the railway, which is supposed to be one of the most scenic in the whole world. It probably is, but I walked the 21km route and it was absurdly gorgeous.

Not even a quarter of the way through the walk, just past the goat farm and right before my dip into the river which ended up with me getting some sort of immediate Norwegian poison moss bacteria rash that’s STILL itchy so I can’t say I recommend it, I literally spun in a circle and exhaled “holy fuck, how is this valley even real??”

… sorry for the language, but it’s what I said.

The last ⅔ of the road is literally a road, something for which I was not prepared. Asphalt HURTS to walk on for that long, carrying everything you need for 2.5 weeks on your back!

By the time I got to Flam I couldn’t even really appreciate how gorgeous it is (the sun had gone behind the clouds too, which is typical of Norway). I wandered, contemplated buying a very cheap down jacket I definitely didn’t need from a tourist shop, and waited for my fjord boat.

Flam – Gudvangen

Rumored to be one of the most epic fjord trips you can take, I booked the last cruise one of the day, at 7pm, and there were more crew on the boat than travelers–4 to be exact. They didn’t even check my ticket. They said it’s almost always that way, because it’s colder and windier, making it less comfortable to be on the spacious decks. Nonetheless, the fjord was impressive, but I was exhausted. I probably didn’t enjoy it as much as one would with fresh eyes!

I spent the night in Gudvangen because I was getting there so late, and the public bus to Voss, the next big town, doesn’t run that late. Gudvangen basically IS the Gudvangen Fjordtell, which also operates the Viking Village, so it was an early night. The hostel-style private rooms with shared bathroom and shower are cheap enough, though they also regular hotel rooms. Here I even skipped dinner (see, no meals?).

Gudvangen – Voss

It was pouring rain for most of this day, and the Viking Village cost over $20 to visit, so I hopped the next bus to Voss. It’s a public charter bus, about $7, and goes down an old postal road built in the 1840s … at an 18% grade with 13 hairpin turns. And they do mean hairpin … like, you think the bus might go over the edge with each turn. It’s awesome. The rest of the hour ride is probably gorgeous too, but I am literally unable to stay awake on charter buses, so fell fast asleep. Whoops.

Voss – Bergen

An easy hour train ride. I tried to explore Voss during my wait time, which looks to be beautiful, but the rain made it hard to see much.

Bergen!

I booked a darling airbnb here that made me feel like I had my own flat in this Norwegian town (albeit with some strangers in it). I was sore and tired from hauling a pack that wasn’t really meant to be hauled that far (btw I proudly rigged up a hip strap from the duffel conversion) and, honestly, kind of grumpy. I had a glass of wine by myself at Pergola around 4pm but Norwegians don’t really celebrate happy hour so there wasn’t much of a crowd. The restaurant is cozy and would have been lovely to hang out at if I could have eavesdropped on any conversations, but as everyone was speaking Norwegian I was very, very alone. With my phone. And I did not want to be playing on my phone, by myself in the middle of Norway (well, the western coast, but I digress). So I left thinking I’d swing by a park my hosts recommended.

I walked 36 minutes to the Nordnesparken, it was fine, even beautiful, I was still grumpy.

So, I decided to walk home, even though I was tired and–say it with me now–grumpy and didn’t want to walk 36 more minutes back. On my way, I passed Bryggen, which is the old town but also kind of the center of Bergen, which is touristy but in a lively and fun way, not in a chintzy way. I walked past a pub when the sounds of American rap music sung in English by a cute French/Norwegian playing an acoustic guitar tickled my ear. I walked past. I chided myself for not making friends. I turned around and went in “for just one glass of cider.”

The bartender, an even cuter Norwegian, was sweet if not overly friendly, which was perfect because let’s remember I’m still grumpy. I sit at the bar with my cider on ice, watching the musician and just chilling. Gradually coming back to life, ungrumpy.

A rotating cast of characters later, including the just-divorced drunk guy buying me more drinks than I want before disappearing, the overly-handsy German who allegedly won weightlifting competitions but couldn’t tell me any of his lifts who the bartender ends up throwing out on my account, and the seemingly-innocent Miami travel-braggart who also talked about how poor he is but might have been creepier than them all, I’m tipsier than intended and bid the bartender, who I’ve had wonderful conversation with covering a wide variety of topics, adieu. Now that I have made my foreign friends, I can turn in.

Thanks to blackout curtains over my adorable bedroom window (why DO they do windows so well?), I wake up happily late and prepare for Stoltzekleiven aka 700 steps, the epic hike that reminds me so much of the Ute Trail back in Aspen that I can hardly stand it. You take 700 steps up to the top of the mountain for a view of the city… sound familiar? It’s gorgeous.

My fannypack holds bread, cheese, chocolate, and cider for the beautiful, secluded spot I find at the top (not before slipping on a wooden walkway and completely busting up my knee and getting my pants–I’m down to 2 pair!–dirty). Rather than take the Floyen tram down, I go rogue, climbing down a waterfall before reaching a road again.

Safely ensconced in a Starbucks–there’s only so many espressos an American can drink out of tiny cups before she just needs her venti and to drown those espressos in coconut milk–I contemplate how much I love Norway, how exhausted I am, how it kind of reminds me of Aspen. Then I decided to go to yoga.

Let’s remember I don’t speak Norwegian, so yoga was hilarious. Luckily, nearly everyone speaks English, so the yoga teacher at Yogarommat, Line, taught in English and Norwegian. What a doll. It was really neat to experience something I do all the time in a different country, in a different way, but still the same. I walked out of the studio, down six flights of stairs, hopped the light rail to the airport, and am off to Copenhagen for an 18-hour layover.

I didn’t have a lot of expectations for Norway, but I am so glad I ended up there. For outdoor adventures and insanely gorgeous wilderness, it’s the perfect place. 

 

Norway is for Walking

Stats:

Monday:

11.7 miles (not sure how that includes 40km+ biked? There was lots of walking and biking)

29,925 steps

 

Tuesday:

15.6 miles walked

33,543 steps

11 floors

 

Wednesday:

7 miles walked

19,176 steps

30 floors

 

Thursday:

8.9 miles walked (in Norway)

20,732 steps

130 floors (!!!)