I’ve Master Cleansed, Hcg-ed, Whole30ed, and now, Purium Cleanse-d. Hell, they even call it a 10-Day Celebrity Transformation, so obviously this faux celeb has to try it. As everyone and their mom (including my mom, literally) is doing some sort of reset or cleanse for the new year, it seems like an apropos time to tell y’all about it.
On a recent trip to Aspen, both of my besties had independently completed this cleanse and both raved about it—and each lost 8 lbs in 10 days. So feeling extremely corporate-bodied, I dropped major coin ($250ish) on this dubious complement of supps and embarked on the Purium Cleanse the Monday after Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving wasn’t what did me in, though, as I’d been drinking a lot—several nights a week, if only a glass of wine or two—and eating more lax (less Paleo, more Banza pasta) than usual. SO cleanse I go.
Oddly, I was reticent to tell my friends and family this time. Not sure why (maybe bc it’s a pyramid scheme? See disclaimer below). A few days in, told a few coworkers, and over the weekend told more friends and fam, but by then I was already in deep. I know it’s the new year and many of you will be looking to cleanse, but I’d highly suggest doing it with a crew for extra motivation and accountability.
Opinion:
Without a scale, I can’t say if “pounds lost” stuck, but I can say this: my before and after pictures are confusing, because while I felt better and got compliments like I looked better, in the pictures you honestly can’t tell which is which. I lost 1/2 inch around my waist and inch around my hips. While I feel like I’ve put back on a few of the “pounds” (happy wine-tasting and pasta-eating birthday, Natty!), I do still feel great in my body, which is what I am looking for.
I do like the idea of the reset, and it has absolutely curbed my sugar cravings. I drink socially, but I haven’t been jonesing for sugar and have successfully avoided ALL office Christmas treats. Waaaaahhhhh?!
Do I recommend? For almost anyone, probably, yes. Yes, if you enjoy experimenting with your bod or have a goal you absolutely have to hit (vacay, event) in 10 days, you will see results.
Is it any different than any other cleanse? Probably not (except the Master Cleanse, thank god no one is doing that shizz anymore). I was effing hungry the first three days. Is #Whole30 better for you in the long run? Probably—but it’s a LOT more work with meal prep and its longer time frame.
Will I do it again? Dubious. Do I need to pay $250 for green shakes and supps? Unclear. That said, did I order more of the amino supps, thinking perhaps they did indeed help lean me out? You betcha.
Leave any Qs in the comments, happy to be brutally honest.
My personal FAQ:
- Dafuq is a “flex foods?!” Maximize this noise. Make ’em count—protein and fat fill you up more than cauli-rice.
- The secret to success: sliced cucumber with lime + chili powder + salt. Crunch, flavor, and cukes don’t count as food on the cleanse.
- Why is calorie-free, decaffeinated tea a flex food?! “It has toxins” said the email helpline. Um, you can kiss my tea-drinkin’ … I drank it. And didn’t count it. And don’t care. Also hot water + lemon is almost as good as tea. You will probably be cold while cleansing, so the whole hot beverage thing is important.
Diary presented below in reverse chron, though to be honest, I did a shitty job of chronicling after about Day 3. Nonetheless, if you’re curious:
Day 10
I feel super energetic and happy—this may have to do with movement finally happening on major projects at work—but I feel pretty good. AND SO LEAN! I feel comfortable in my body again! Hooray!
Day 9
I signed up for a luncheon purely to eat the lunch served—and then embarked on this cleanse and didn’t get to eat the food! Turns out it wasn’t even that big of a deal, no one said anything or even noticed. And I didn’t really miss much! I ate 2 ounces of the salmon, and took the rest home for later. So much easier than I expected.
Day 8
I was honestly relieved to get back to the workday for routine and consistency’s sake. It’s hard to maintain the every-2-hours-eating schedule over the weekend when I’m constantly on the go.
Did my fave yoga class (with MJ) and was surprised it didn’t feel harder. I tried really hard not to push myself, and I think I succeeded. Felt great after.
Day 7
Attending a Bridal Shower while cleansing wasn’t too hard (except passing up the bride’s family recipe chocolate chip cookies!!). One of the activities was a blind champagne tasting, so I did take three tiny sips of champagne just to play along.
Day 6
This day was super interesting—I played football in the morning and definitely noticed more fatigue than normal. Afterward, we went out and normally I would have been drinking with my friends all day, but I just sipped club soda instead. There was a tiny bit of peer pressure, but mostly they were supportive (though they did bet me a vodka shot about something …) and at the end of the day, I was happy to be sober. I saved a lot of calories and money. I then showered and went out with a completely different set of friends that night, and that was way worse. No one pressured me to drink, but I was just bored. Too much in one day, probably.
Day 5
I was just so tired and stressed from work.
Day 4
Broth got me through the days. I didn’t just drink veggie broth, I believe it was here I even slipped into bone broth.
Day 3
“That’s the worst day” says everyone. I think yesterday was worse, honestly. Might have been because I was freezing in my office. The low-grade headache persists, but less than yesterday or Monday. Woke up not hungry, but stomach started growling within 15 minutes of being up. Mara said, “EAT SOME VEGGIES WOMAN” but I have been! So I hit it harder with protein flex foods today.
It should be noted that I am within a fairly stressful time at work due to an intense, short-timeline web development project. But I chose to do this at this time so I didn’t have to think about food. Remembering to take something every 2 hours has been kind of a pain, but in a lot of ways, it’s still better than trying to decide what to eat or cook.
Flex Foods:
1 hard-boiled egg, 1 egg white (the flex calls for only 1 egg—you must be joking)
16 ounces free-range organic chicken broth
Day 2
Woke up hungry, and had a low grade headache all day. More prepared, I rolled up to work with my porch avocado, cucumbers, and cauliflower rice.
Drank some ginger turmeric tea (caffeine-free). Is allegedly called a Flex Beverage but I can’t imagine that its calorie-free existence would rob me of one of my few spots of food, so not counting it that way.
Flex Foods:
Other 1/2 porch avocado. So unbelievably good.
1 cup cauli rice – not heated up – mistake.
Got home, at a head of celery, heated up 16 ounces free-range organic chicken broth. Yeah, it’s more than they say and yeah, it’s not veggie broth. Sorry not sorry. Was actually nice to sip first my broth and then my Apothe-Cherry while watching Timeless before I went to bed … at 9:30pm (really early for me).
Day 1
Night -1, I almost bailed. Why are you doing this, Lys? You can do it next week. This week is stressful. You want to work out. You haven’t prepped. Then I kicked my own butt for whining, laid out the pills, scooped out the powder, and went to bed.
I was hungry today, and had a headache from about 11am on. I also didn’t eat any Flex Foods until 8pm, which I will not make the mistake of doing again.
Flex Foods:
1 cup cauliflower rice in coconut oil
1/2 giant avocado I GREW ON MY PORCH! It’s amazingly delicious.
Slammed the Apothe-Cherry before bed, I will definitely savor that on future days!
Disclaimer:
This shizz is a pyramid scheme. Or whatever it is that has you selling products and getting referral fees and all that, if not all the way down a pyramid. Anyway, you can use my code “LyssaMyska” or this link and get $50 off—and I get some monies also (not sure if in credits or $$). I am NOT writing this post to encourage you to do the cleanse. Information only.