If you are my celebrity, and I am a faux celeb … here’s our alphabet:
A A-List. Duh.
B Besties. Everyone has to have one celeb bestie. Preferably a slightly-less-hot-than-you stylist.
C Celebrity. Urban dictionary def: the reason why we have poor people. All they do is act\sing\get naked\some other thing that we don’t need and they get millions of dollars for.
D Don’t you know who I am?!
E Everyone loves us.
F Famous. We don’t have to do something GOOD, just something SEEN.
G Gauche. There’s a fine line, and if you’re a celeb, you’ve probably crossed it.
H Hiiiiiiii! How aaaaaare you?! Not to be confused with the sterotypical female greeting of people they don’t actually like, this is, astoundingly, even an octave higher than that.
I I. Obviously a celeb’s favorite word.
J JK! Also keep this phrase handy in case you get quoted saying something you totally meant but people totally didn’t find funny.
K Kthxbye. Dismiss those who don’t deserve your time.
L Love affairs. You’ll need at least two to become a celeb; six to stay that way. Unless you get married, in which case you get a pass back to just two.
M Marriage. Has any celeb marriage ever lasted?
N No, no they have not.
O Oscar … We totally can’t believe we’ve won … oh hell, we’ve “worked” our whole lives for this.
P Plus one. Of the utmost importance. Also known as arm candy.
Q Q&A, obvi! Your favorite way to be interviewed.
R Right. Because celebs are ALWAYS right.
S Star, baby you’re a star.
T Travel is easy because, duh, First Class. Sleeping seats. Champagne.
U Us Weekly. Your Bible.
V VIP is the only place for me!
W Worst-Dressed List—never appearing on this is better than an Oscar.
X X-rated works if the regular stuff doesn’t.
Y Y not? You never know. You never know.
Z Zoo. It’s a zoo out there. Be yourself, everyone else is taken.