I am 34 tomorrow.
Thirty-four is somehow so much older than 33, and two weeks ago I prepared a post for this Feel Good Friday that didn’t actually feel very good, deep in the angsty throes of self-reflection about what it means to be a certain age at which I suddenly feel like I should be established when I don’t even know how I define established.
Thankfully, for two weeks I have been out of myself. Out of routine and out of comfort and out of my head, consequently easing into just being. Just wandering. And wondering. This is the true beauty of travel–not sights to behold and wilderness to explore and nature to bathe within and cultural differences to appreciate–but breaks and space and utter difference.
So I am at peace, and so very grateful, for wholeness, togetherness, oneness … freedom, expression, peace … exploration, stillness, grounding.
And if you want to see that old post, the angsty one? That’s still me too I’m just okay with it! Check it out below. In the meantime, I’m still living out of my Briidgs backpack for 4 more days, celebrating a dear friend’s wedding, but not before some birthday beach volleyball and time with the framily I left in SoCal.
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Editor’s (ha that’s me) note: I’m cheating a bit with this FGF, writing it a full two weeks in advance. As I’ll be en route back from Amsterdam and possibly unsure which way is up, I thought I’d pen this post … I hope I laugh at myself when it’s published, and think how much wiser August 31 Lyssa is than struggling August 16 Lyssa.
I close on my house in a few days. Natty said, “What a lovely 34th birthday present to yourself!”
::: me in stunned silence :::
34, for whatever reason, sounds older than any of the other thirties to me. Unlike other birthdays, I’m feeling pressure to “be established” on this one.
“But you are established?” questioned another friend when I expressed this concern to her.
About the only thing established about me is that I love what I love, and that changes as much as it stays the same.
When it comes to checking off typical boxes, sure, I’m “established” by some measure. I’m buying my 4th house (not concurrent). I’m returning from a long trip abroad. I have an awesome, flexible job doing interesting work. I love and get to spend quality time with my family, my dog, my friends. I’m not married to the idea of marriage, although I would like a partner in crime, and my biological clock isn’t really ticking. I have an established workout routine, yoga practice, and wine collection. I learn new things. I make new friends, meet new people, strive to have interesting conversations. I am grateful for all those things.
But I think I’m substituting the word “established” for motivated… passionate… engaged (in something not to someone)…
I don’t know what I want want, beyond a day to day, week to week, and I think I should. I haven’t known for awhile. And I’ve made moves and none of them have resulted in any more knowing.
My dad says you can’t push the river. But what if the river is not flowing? Or it’s flowing slowly, like it was a bad winter and snow isn’t melting?
Can you swim upstream? Do you just wait for the weather to change?
I can picture my dad just laughing.
I think… there is no established. We are ALWAYS fighting to establish. We are always establishing and moving on to the next establishment. We don’t always know what that is. But we don’t establish and stop, we establish and keep moving. That’s why we are the river, why the river is, why you can’t push the river. Because we keep going.
On the eve of turning 34, attending another destination wedding over my birthday weekend, missing my pup, I am grateful that I am floating down the river.
… I guess it’s time to start working on my 35 before 35 list??
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